we're young, heart attacks waiting to happen.

So exams are over, and my health is definately on the mend. I've escaped to Ireland with the best friend, and it's simply bliss. These long walks, and fresh sea air is clearing my head and I'm realiseing what's important... and what isn't worth the effort.
You're negativity, and constant blaming helps nothing. Get out of bed and embrase the world, accept your faults and move on dear. The past is in the past, and all we have is the present and the near future.
I'm a rather happy bunny.

Pardon me for the lack of excitement, but I'm not entirely thrilled.

People are pissing me off, grow up and shut up. Just little things are getting to me lately, I just wanna leave school, I'm done with all that now, I'm tired of the same boring conversation and dreary lessons... it's all such a drag.

I wanna get these exams out the way, leave school.. go to Ireland with Zoe, party all summer and have a fresh start at Farnborough, it's exactly what I need.

That is if I even get into Farnborough anymore :/.. everything seems to be falling apart. This years gone to quickly and I'm not prepared.

Times are hard for dreamers.

I'm so fed up, tired and emotionally drained. I have nothing to look forward to and everything seems to be falling apart.
At the end of last year I felt I had everything to look forward to and so much to gain, I was healthy and happy, now my body doesn't know whether it's coming or going and all I ever feel like these days is curling up in bed and crying.

I feel so lonely and that everyone around me is moving on and forgetting me...
it's fair to say I'm in a pretty dark place at the moment and I'm out of ideas of how to pick myself up.

You'll be in my heart, now and forever more..

It's mothers day and like every year my sister and I made my beautiful mummy breakfast and we sat in her bed for an hour opening presents and giggling, that's what I love about my mum; she's not just a parent she truely is my best friend and she always knows how to make me smile.

So we've got lots of chocolate and yummy foods and we're going to spoil her alot today!

Baby, she's a wild thing.

I just want this all to be over, being ill's getting old and schools a drag.

I can't wait to leave this all behind, go to college and grow up. I want to go on a road trip on a hot summers day with no predetermined destination, just follow the open road listening to Indie music.
I want to lay on the beach all day and take picture of the night sky.

I also want to get this taattooed on me, maybe the middle of my upper back?

tears don't mean your losing, everyone's bruising.

Well I feel I'm losing myself in this illness, as if I'm drowning and I'm so weak and powerless.

I'm trying to keep my spirits up, even though I'm scared and full of worry. Inbetween visits to the hospital I've successfully managed to watch all my favourite Disney movies and it kept my mind off everything and took me back to happier times when I was younger when all I had to worry about was what smelly gel pen I'd use to write with.

Even though I haven't really seen my friends and feel abit lonely it hasn't all been bad, my mums really spoilt and looked after me and it's been nice to just have a break from people and given me time to think about what I want and to look to the future and not dwell on the past.
So I have another appointment at my second home, the hospital, next week. YAY! I can hardly wait.

Never mind, I'll find someone like you...

You kept my heart warm in these cold winter months, and you made me feel alive.
But it's time to stop this heartache and save myself any more let down and pain.

So I'll have my heart back until I find someone who deserves to look after it.

In all this chaos, we found safety..

Christmas is over, and the end of 2010 is approaching. Lots of people say new year, new start.. but I dont want a new start, I'm really happy and for me 2010 has been a great year. I've got some great friends and I've made memories with them that'll I'll never forget.
I'm ending the year with a drink in my hand surrounded by friends, and it pretty much sums up 2010 for me.. I've danced all night, till i couldn't feel my legs!

I've learnt alot this year, and I think over time i have changed.. but I'm growing and I'm living.

but darlin' you are the only exception..

I started this last night, but i fell asleep :/

When i lose faith in the male gender, feel lost and confused.. I come to you.
You are the one man i can always rely on, my best friend a true gentleman. You put your arms around me and give me that look, and everything's alright.
Yesterday was just what I needed, just shutting the world out and spending time with you.
It was lovely to spend your birthday with you; just you and me.. so simple yet so special. I love you so much, and I never wanna lose you, no other man will ever come close to you.

So I touched the clouds, and stole a piece of heaven

today has been perfect:

making brownies then snuggeling on the sofa watching monsters inc and finding nemo with a special young man...

getting ready with the best friend to go to Nando's with thet gals and boys; laughter and love.

Now I'm chilling listening to Taylor Swift munching on a rather large bar of galaxy, courtesy of miss elizabeth robert <3

It's cold outside, but I'm warm inside.

Presents under the tree, snow on the roof tops and surrounded by loved ones.

Christmas is just round the corner and I'm loving December!

In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer.

I'm Lost, Lost in Dreams and Reality.

THIS IS YOUR LIFE, ARE YOU WHO YOU WANNA BE?
IS IT EVERYTHING YOU DREAMED IT WOULD BE?
WHEN THE WORLD WAS YOUNGER, AND YOU HAD EVERYTHING TO LOSE, EVERYTHING TO LOSE...

i feel i'm losing grip and I don't like this feeling of falling. People ask me how i'm feeling and whats going on and I just don't have the answers.
I dont know where this is going but I hope there's a light at the end of the tunnel.

Cast your troubles into the sky, they can be the stars in our eyes..

Exams are over, Christmas is near, interview at Farnborough; the future seems bright.

Last night was emotional to say the least; tears, broken hearts and drink. I spent most of my evening pining over lost friendship and boys that don't deserve my tears.
You should Have opened your eyes, I was crazy for you.



Hannah Wylam: I owe you an apology as well as a thank you, I hope we can go back to how we were as your a huge part of my life, and I truly value your friendship. We have more in common than we thought and we have had some hard times, we've both been knocked to the point where we thought we wouldn't be able to stand again but look at us... no ones perfect, but we are strong and wise and I am sure that greater things are still to come.
We all have things inside that no one else can see.
They hold us down like anchors, they drown us out to sea.



Take each day as it comes, we have our whole lives ahead of us.

There's something in your voice, makes my heart beat fast (8)

Well I'm sat her snuggled up in bed, smelling your hoodie and I can't help but smile.

It's a little bit funny this feeling inside
I'm not one of those who can easily hide
I don't have much money but boy if I did
I'd buy a big house where we both could live

where words fail, music speaks.

With the help of music, laughter and cute texts; this week has gone quite quickly. It hasn't all gone to plan and I've definitely failed my exams, but i'm not so bothered.

One week left and things are looking up, i feel inspired and fresh.

All i need is good friends and a song to sing along to <3

Keep Calm and Carry On.

I'm not annoyed, I'm just hurt. I thought you where one of my closest friends, and i trusted and confided in you..

Despite what you both think, I'm not a bitter person and I'm not going to write a huge blog of how I'm feeling and how upset I am after hearing what you really think of me. Because no matter what, I can hold my head up and be proud of who I am; I may not be perfect but who is?

I have great friends and great family, I have alot to look forward to, I've got big plans and dreams, and I'm gunna be happy because I deserve to.

We are all in the gutter, but some of us are looking up at the stars...

Summer?

I'm sat in my kitchen, listening to some tunes whilst i watch mother making some yummy food- she's trying to experiment new things and she keeps telling me to look up recipes online hmmm...

It's been a rather eventful morning so far, woke up at 10 and of course watched my favourite programme ever.. yeapp THE BILL!! had my coco pops, had a dance in the kitchen, even though my bitch of a neck was killing me (slept in a weird position :/) sat snuggled on the sofa watching crap on the tv, at 12 i decided i should really get up and have ashower.... so i did.

All washed and clean, mother home from work.. dry and straighten newly coloured hair ohh yeahh it's like a reddy colour but it's not too bold :(

and then..... my counsellor arrive EARLY! grrrr bitch she's alright though.. i got a bit teary and emotional, i was just in one of those moods :/....

So i think i should really get some coursework done, i've been saying it for days yet i keep getting distracted and to be perfectly honest i can't be arsed to do it, i have no inspiration - so if anyone finds it please return it asap!

It's pissing with rain outside but with the smell of cooked cakes wafting through the kitchen i feel

quite warm and happy- for once! This summer holiday seems to be going rather quickly but although i haven't seen many of my friends i have seen lots of family and it was really lovely.

Katie and I went on abit of a road trip to Hereford and Liverpool to see relatives and it was so nice to see them, all my cousens seem to be really grown up: married, kids and houses it made me feel really young but i made me happy to think i've got all that still to come... but first i need to get my GCSE's and A levels under my belt before i can do anything. On that note i'm going to look up colleges and careers...... mind boggling

How Time Flys...

I've been meaning to write a blog for ages, yet Eastenders and food have taken priority. It's been quite a while since i wrote a rather depressing blog and alot has happened since then. It's finally the summer holidays and it has come to the end of an era of year 10 which for me has been a good school year; great friends, amusing parties, lots of laughs and heart to hearts <3

The last few weeks have been quite jam packed, my last blog i moaned about arguing with my mum, the stress of exams and the fear of work experience... well i'm glad to say all that hassle is over! me and my lovely mum have been getting on really well and I'm looking forward to spending lots of time with her this holiday, my wonderful big sis is home from uni (however she's in Ireland at the moment) it's nice to have her home because i really miss our girly chats when she's away. We get our exam results in August and I'm quite nervous i dont think i've done terrible but i don't think i've done brilliant either, i tried my best and i'm lucky to have supportive family and friends that don't put pressure on me with exams.

I went to Zappas, the hair salon, for work experience and i didn't really enjoy it. I was mostly cleaning up their mess and i couldn't wait to go home each day. It's opened my eyes to the world of work and the girls at the salon weren't that nice and to be brutally honest they were pretty dumb too. I think i'd rather go down the beauty therapy path rather than hair salon. i've been looking up degrees and there's loads on offer and maybe one day i'll have my

own beauty business (well thats the plan).

Last week i went to Poland on a History school trip and maynn it was hot! The trip as a whole was really good, i saw some real eye opening things and i had a few tears walking round the concentration camps, yet i'm really glad i went. I came on my period which wasn't ideal but hay hoe that's life. I love going on school trips surrounded by amazing friends and lovely teachers. I was abit home sick and the food wasn't all that great but i had lots of laughs and our disabled room was classic!

So the holidays are here and i'm hoping that it'll be fun, i've got abit of coursework to do and i'm crapping my pants about year 11 but hopefully it'll all be worth it in the end. I'm just gunna relax and spend quality time with friends and family and make the most of what i've got as i am a very lucky girl!

Where is this going?

Everything is so crap at the moment. I had exams last week and i thought i would break down, i tried to revise- yet i still failed miserable GREAT! This week i have work experience at some bitch salon with a loud of beautiful skinny blondes, that'll build my self confidence NOT!

I just feel everythings going wrong, and speaking to my friends makes me feel better as they pretty messed up to... so i dont feel so alone. Me and mother are argueing alot recently over stupid things and i know it's only because she cares but i cant help but be a moody teenager and bite her head off at every oppertunity. This hot weather isnt really isn't helping the situation, i cant sleep and i cant concentrate! I have a sccience exam tomorrow and i need to revise but i just cant be bothered - another fail!

I dont know what to do, about anything. I dont know what i want to be or who i want to be. We have to start applying for colleges in January and i have no idea what courses i want to do. I just want to leave school and escape from this hole. I dont want mansions or villas in spain, i just want somewhere i can be happy, somewhere that feels warm without the heating on. I want to fall in love and lay together eating chinese chicken balls and fall asleep with the telly on. I want to wake up and rush to work, skipping breakfast and picking up and coffee and sly chocolate bar on the way, i want to take my dog for a walk in an empty field and clear my head. But at this moment this dream feels even further away, i'll proberly end up a single mother living off benefits in a scabby council flat, no job, no money and a bunch of bratty kids.

So basically I'm abit of a lost soul at the moment, lets hope it changes soon...

Hardest of Hearts?

There is love in your body, but you cant get it out...

Am I just a cold person, that shuts love out? It's beginning to look that way. It seems I'm surrounded my people lost in love and lust, and i'm not even close. I'm torn, as one

part of me feels i'm missing out in this amazing dream and then the other part is shouting saying it's all a load of pain and heartbreak.

The three words that are in all great songs and romance movies are thrown around to casually these days and it's taken the spark out of 'I LOVE YOU'. I feel as though it just a status being in a relationship, and there's no real emotion in it, of course there are exceptions to my theory and for people who are in a real loving relationship, i envy you!

I read friends blogs and there's always someone giving them that 'butterfly' feeling, i'm just like 'where's mine? huh?' Sometimes i feel i'm missing out, but then i wonder if i really need the hassle? I want someone to care for me yet i feel incabable of caring back, i'm to scared of getting hurt and letting someone in.

I like to keep people at a distance, and it makes me seem cold. I dont want pathetic boys coming to my door, with a rose- trying to seduce me. I'm not that simple i dont work like that, and yes i am a harsh bitch, but people shouldnt be taken in by the criminal of love so easily...