Where is this going?

Everything is so crap at the moment. I had exams last week and i thought i would break down, i tried to revise- yet i still failed miserable GREAT! This week i have work experience at some bitch salon with a loud of beautiful skinny blondes, that'll build my self confidence NOT!

I just feel everythings going wrong, and speaking to my friends makes me feel better as they pretty messed up to... so i dont feel so alone. Me and mother are argueing alot recently over stupid things and i know it's only because she cares but i cant help but be a moody teenager and bite her head off at every oppertunity. This hot weather isnt really isn't helping the situation, i cant sleep and i cant concentrate! I have a sccience exam tomorrow and i need to revise but i just cant be bothered - another fail!

I dont know what to do, about anything. I dont know what i want to be or who i want to be. We have to start applying for colleges in January and i have no idea what courses i want to do. I just want to leave school and escape from this hole. I dont want mansions or villas in spain, i just want somewhere i can be happy, somewhere that feels warm without the heating on. I want to fall in love and lay together eating chinese chicken balls and fall asleep with the telly on. I want to wake up and rush to work, skipping breakfast and picking up and coffee and sly chocolate bar on the way, i want to take my dog for a walk in an empty field and clear my head. But at this moment this dream feels even further away, i'll proberly end up a single mother living off benefits in a scabby council flat, no job, no money and a bunch of bratty kids.

So basically I'm abit of a lost soul at the moment, lets hope it changes soon...

Hardest of Hearts?

There is love in your body, but you cant get it out...

Am I just a cold person, that shuts love out? It's beginning to look that way. It seems I'm surrounded my people lost in love and lust, and i'm not even close. I'm torn, as one

part of me feels i'm missing out in this amazing dream and then the other part is shouting saying it's all a load of pain and heartbreak.

The three words that are in all great songs and romance movies are thrown around to casually these days and it's taken the spark out of 'I LOVE YOU'. I feel as though it just a status being in a relationship, and there's no real emotion in it, of course there are exceptions to my theory and for people who are in a real loving relationship, i envy you!

I read friends blogs and there's always someone giving them that 'butterfly' feeling, i'm just like 'where's mine? huh?' Sometimes i feel i'm missing out, but then i wonder if i really need the hassle? I want someone to care for me yet i feel incabable of caring back, i'm to scared of getting hurt and letting someone in.

I like to keep people at a distance, and it makes me seem cold. I dont want pathetic boys coming to my door, with a rose- trying to seduce me. I'm not that simple i dont work like that, and yes i am a harsh bitch, but people shouldnt be taken in by the criminal of love so easily...

Life is Beautiful

I've had my own little adventure over the last couple of days, i went to stay with my sister in Southampton and not only was the weather lovely but i really enjoyed myself. It was great to just escape and relax from all the stress and pressure daily life seems to bring. I met some bubbly people and it was reassuring to spend some quality time with my sister who i have really missed recently.

Last night my peaceful world was interrupted not only by the drunken flatmates rolling in at all hours, but by the news of some hurtful status' and a strange blog that a friend had informed me of. So i had a read and was totally confused, with some wise words from close friends and countless apologies; i have decided to let things lie. I am not even sure what i have done, but if they want to carry on this nonsense be my guest, i've tried to understand and reason yet it's just not working. ooh what a mess i have caused.

This afternoon i sadly had to come back home and face reality, i got the train back to Reading- on my own- and i was abit apprehensive, Katie and Nigel walked me to the station in the boiling heat with my bag which i can only describe as a tank. We got there 45 minutes early so plenty of time to grab a diet pepsi. I squeezed and kissed goodbye as my heart sank with sadness. I found the platform and with no available seats around i sat on the cold floor, sipped my cold pepsi and plugged in my ipod. As my favourites songs played i took the time to look at my surrounding. I sat and stared at people in ore as i tried to work out their backgrounds, as i sat in silence with my head working over time, i recognised how precious life was. As people rushed and panicked with bags, kids and coffee's it made me smile and feel warm inside.

Time soon passed and i found myself staring out the smudged windows as the world of trees and trashed building passed me by. I was met by a very happy mother, who hugged me so hard it almost hurt, she soon filled me in on the gossip and the latest news, as i also told her about my time away. I later went to meet Zoe who i had dearly missed, and it was lovely to catch up and sit in the sun as we laughed and picked the grass.

Today has been a good day and has opened my eyes and made me realise that life is too short to worry about petty problem that will hopefully soon be forgotten and if not, then it was not meant to be and it's not worth worrying about.

I'd like to thank; the break-dancer receiving amusing texts from a possible lover, the family of five coming back from a long day out rushing to catch the train, the vibrant traveller with the joker tattooed on her arm who doesnt care what people think, the failing drunk business man with a laptop he can't use, the fake self-concious girl who feels she always needs to impress and fit in, the whore that feels uncomfortable in a suit yet has to wear it to work to make a good impression, the ex-army soldier that doesnt know what to do with himself, the young couple that live off benefits and regret the choices they made in life, the quit middle aged man who has lived a plainly trying to avoid conflict and drama, and the student who takes life in his stride and has cute stubble. and of course Florence and the Machine whose lyrics also make me smile.

- You brightened up my day.